Mandy was without a doubt the best thing that ever happened to me. She was very kind, selfless, headstrong and the nicest person, so generous to everyone. She was my best friend’s sister growing up, but it wasn’t until I came back from the army that I saw her in a different way. I knew her for over 50 years, and we were together for 37 years and had two children, Atlanta and Ethan. She was my life, there was no one else. We were opposites, we slotted together like a jigsaw.
Being Introduced to St. Michael's Hospice
Mandy must have been ill for a very long time, but we never knew. I was receiving treatment for liver cancer at the time, and I think she hid her illness so I would stay focused on my health. I came home one day and found her collapsed in the bathroom. We took her to A&E and three days later we were told she had terminal cancer and only had weeks to live. She was riddled with it, to the point it was hard for the doctors to see where it had originated but they think it started in the stomach. It was such a shock.
The hospital contacted St. Michael’s Hospice and introduced us. From there Amanda was cared for by the Hospice at Home team and the district nurses from home. The Hospice cared for her across Christmas, and we actually had 5 weeks together rather than the initial few weeks predicted, Amanda was with it and enjoyed every moment she had left.
The Hospice at Home team took care of all her medical needs, managed the drugs she needed and dealt with her changing needs. It was hospital level care but at home. They also gave me a lot of reassurance and clearly explained situations in a way that I could understand, rather than medical speak. The Hospice at Home team gave such consideration and care, they didn’t intrude at all, unless you were in the room with Amanda, you wouldn’t have known they were in the house.
They were also available on the phone, so if I had any questions they were there, and when I called, everyone seemed to know Amanda personally. Although they were only in our home for a couple of hours a day, they were available 24 hours a day or night. There was always someone there to give me advice and always gave the option to come into the Hospice in-patient unit if needed. It was a far more comfortable experience than I could have imagined, and far better than in the hospital.
Amanda wanted to come home, she didn’t want to stay in hospital as it was noisy and busy. While in the hospital she lost the use of her left side due to her cancer, but when she came home, she regained the use of her left side. It was clearly part of the comfort of being home. Mandy was more than happy to be cared for by the Hospice team. In fact, it wasn’t as miserable a situation as you would think. We had good times, and Amanda was able to see the whole family because they all came to visit her at home. She also discovered drugs! Mandy never drank or did drugs in her life, so discovering end of life drugs was quite a joy for her.
We were offered counselling and support when we were first introduced to the Hospice but we had family support and didn’t think we needed it at the time. However, after Mandy died, my son and daughter received counselling from St. Michael’s Hospice. I would bring them to the Hospice, but I thought I didn’t need support. However, while I was waiting the receptionist, Julie, suggested I attend the Hospice’s Bereavement Journey, I thought there was no harm in trying and it turned out to be the best thing I have ever done. The Bereavement Journey is a 7 week course with a small group of people in a similar situation. It was excellent, and I still keep in touch with people from the group now.
After completing the Bereavement Journey I was suggested counselling with Dawn. Mandy was the only person I have ever been my true self with, so the thought of opening up to someone besides Amanda was a very frightening prospect. Dawn put me at ease, and it helped to talk to someone who is not giving an option but guiding you through. I don’t think you can get that from family or friends as they are too close to you.
It was a lovely safe space. There was no judgement or fear of judgement. I would recommend and advise anyone to do it. It guides you onto another path of thinking that leads to a better ending. It was scary at first but sad to leave. After, I was happier with my life and had found acceptance that although Amanda is no longer in my life she is always a part of my life.
It saved my life. Because without it I would not have gone through with the liver transplant. Before counselling, I couldn’t see the point in prolonging another misery for the kids, but Dawn helped me see that if Amanda had held back on her diagnosis because of my illness I owed it to her to go through with the transplant and take care of myself and our family.
I still receive ongoing bereavement support. The Walk and Talk sessions are wonderful and it help to be with like minded people. The kindness of people can weigh heavy as although they mean well and want to visit you, they are constantly reminding you about what you have gone through. Whereas the Hospice provides a nice safe space with people that understand what you are going through. The staff are so kind – I can’t get over it. They have a full understanding that you are grieving, in the way you need to but with guidance.
Without the Hospice I think I would still be in bed feeling sorry for myself. I couldn’t snap out of the doom loop. Everything Mandy and I did, we did together, we were not a part in 37 years. Life was miserable without her. The Hospice helped with all that. They taught me that I didn’t need to have all the answers, they reassured me that it was normal to feel the way I did.
The Hospice is a place of hope and happiness during a time of sadness. I would always encourage anyone who is facing end of life to get support and to always support St. Michael’s Hospice because you never know when you need it, but it will be there for you, the support you will receive, you can never repay.